March instagrams

(Totally needed to get that Depression post off the top.  I’m feeling good.  Further updates coming soon.  Thanks for your sweet comments.)

Location:  Somewhere on I-90

Driving 5 hours to watch our nephew play in the state basketball tournament.  #gobears

 

Location:  Hard Rock Cafe Seattle

#coolkidstable

 

Location: Tacoma Dome

              

At the state basketball tournament.  Some of us like the nosebleed seats a little better. #bearsarewinning! #goaustin

 

Location: Downtown Seattle

One those days that don’t plan and turns out awesome.  #faiththinksthefisharestinky #seattlerocks

 

Location:  Mobius Science Center

One of the highlights of our private Mobius Science Center Day  #Faithsnotsure #thankyoubernardandmarsha

 

Getting to move my body in any way—is a blessing #mostlywalkedbutsomecontrabandrunningtoo

 

Location:  Centennial Trail with a slight trailerpark detour

First sunny 50 degree day in 5 months means a bike riding date with my boyfriend

 

Location:  Chez Romney

 

Apple nachos for a healthy Sunday dessert.  (Apples, heated pb and honey, mini choc chips, sliced almonds and pecans)

 

Acting out our bedtime story—Little Women….obviously.  #megandjoandbethofcourse

 

Location: church

 

As if she’d be anywhere else while I’m setting up for the Relief Society birthday dinner. #kidslovemicrophones #pretendingtobetheprimarypresident

 

Location: Providence Sacred Heart Medical Center

Here we go… #supernervous #cantbefunnyrightnow

 

Location:  Recovery Central

 

Guys, it was the worst news.  I had the hole in my cartilage, which means no more marathons.  I have a sweet husband and fabulous freinds and I’ll mourn a little but I’ll be okay.  Thanks for your prayers and good wishes.

 

Location: Recovery Central

 

I was DONE with my bedroom.  DONE.  I got served dinner on the couch after I slid down the stairs.  #mymomisspoilingus

 

Location: Recovery Central

 

Prepping for my first post operation shower.  #anyonetiredofpicturesofmylegyet

 

Location: Recovery Central

One recovering from knee surgery, 2 fighting a nasty stomach flu.  #feelsorryforRyan

 

Location:  Chez Romney

 

Look at the kind of meals my mom rolls out when she’s taking care of us! #shestheonewhostartedallofthesetraditionsinthefirstplace

 

Location: Recovery Central

 

Getting ready for my Sunday walk.  #patheticbutnecessary #practicingforoldage

 

Location: Recovery Central

 

First day by myself…and I even dried my hair and put makeup on  #youshouldseemescootingaroundthisbedarrangingmymachines

 

Sponge Rollers

 

Location: Recovery Central

What a pretty view!  #feelingveryloved  #flowersdomakearecoveringpersonfeelbetter

 

Location: Recovery Central

        

One of the many meals brought to my house this week.  I literally could not do it without these kind friends.  #crutchesandmealprepdontgotogether

 

Location:  Albertsons

“Mom, you look kind of like a grandma!”  #joysofkneesurgery

 

Location: Therapeutic Associates

Physical therapy office:  you have NO idea how happy I am to see you again!  #letsgettowork!

 

Location: Wild walls

Climbing the walls at Boy Scout activity.  #ryanisthebestscoutmasterever

 

 

Egg dying! #hatepumpkincarvingloveeggdying #newspapermakespictureslesspretty

 

Location: Liberty Lake

Okay so I know this doesn’t compare to many southern locations, but this is honestly the best weather I’ve ever seen for an Easter/Spring Break in Spokane.  #thesekidsneedtobeabletoplayoutsidewhileImrecovering

 

Location: Stake Center

Young Women’s broadcast with this So Good daughter of mine #bestplacetobeonaSaturdaynight

 

Easter Sunday Best  #wehaveafamilyonebutImnotmatching

 

This organic tradition has grown up over the years where we eat Egg Salad Sandwiches outside on the grass.

Deep Thoughts

Because I’m blogging so much more sporadically than when I started, there are a lot of summaries and summaries sometimes tend to highlight the best rather than the everyday.  I’m glad that what stands out to me when I’m reviewing a month is the good stuff, but it doesn’t tell the actual story.  I thought I’d write a little today about some of the harder stuff that has been happening in the last few months.

Due to my initial injury in December, the worrisome prognosis, the looming surgery, the actual surgery and recovery AND my usual frustration with continued personal weaknesses, I’ve really struggled with depression for the past 3 months.  I’ve noticed that depression manifests differently for different people, but for me, it means I feel extremely and abruptly angry, hopeless, I don’t want to talk or be around others (WHA??), and waking up is hard.  I’ve had a few other periods of continued depression in my life (after I had Gabe and 2 years ago), but this time has been different because it has come and gone.  Usually, I recognize it and work on it (counseling, more serious scriptures and prayers, adjust my diet) and it moves out completely.  This time, I kept thinking I got it under control and it kept coming back.  Today, in fact, I had a really hard morning.  Sigh.

It has centered around feeling out of control and impotent because of this injury. I have been extra grouchy and have often coped by eating too much, being impatient and harsh with my kids, and numbing myself with too much technology usage (social media, Ticket to Ride app, TV) which are already areas I feel badly about on good days!

I kept thinking I’d write this post when I was through it and tell things I did that combated these feelings…but I keep not getting through it.  Yet.  But there are things that help.  And I’m receiving help all the time from a Heavenly Father that knows me, listens to me and works in my life.  So I’m writing this, regardless of a lack of a finish line, because… well, just because.

This is what makes me feel better:

1.  Talking to my Heavenly Father through prayer.  Really talking.  Communicating with urgency, humility and openness.  Praying out loud is often the best way for me to me really honest with myself and Him.  As I pray, I hear myself and it helps me know myself better.  I also have ideas come to my mind that I know are Answers to my pleadings.  I also feel comfort and peace, often, as I finish.  Things aren’t fixed, but I know He is present in my struggles.

2.  Reading the scriptures and the words of the prophets and apostles.  I get so caught up in the lies of the world that tell me my worth lies in my output, my weight, my checklist, my perfection.  When I read the word of God, I am reminded what is real and where my value lies.  I am calmed and reassured that mistakes are okay and the Christ’s grace will give me power to little by little change and be who I want to be.  Here are some links to talks that have been especially helpful over the past few months: Where is thy pavillion?  and Cast not away your confidence and His Grace is Sufficient and Healing Soul and Body. 

3.  Repenting.  I am hard on myself by nature and have been surprised that the Holy Ghost has whispered to me multiple time that I need to practice repentance.  Isn’t that the problem already?  That I think I’m totally messing up?  How is a call to repentance an answer?  I’ve started to learn and notice that Heavenly Father wants me to repent so that I can access Christ’s atonement: wipe the slate clean and use His power to fight those weaknesses more effectively.

4.  Talking to others.  I do this easily, but as I sink into depression, I close off.  When I am forced by a sweet husband to open up, or out of social guilt head to a friend get together and begin to talk, I start to feel better.  I think it’s because I, like with prayer, hear myself and it’s not as bad when I begin to put words to my fears and insecurities.  Also, I have a network of uplifting, real, supportive friends and loved ones and they are invaluable in reminding me of my worth.  (Thanks from the bottom of my heart, guys.)

5.  Getting to work.  I feel hopeless and paralyzed and like, what is the point of trying again?, when I’m in this kind of a funk.  I’ve noticed that when I just act, with huge, aching effort (truly), to start again…I almost immediately feel better.  Yesterday I was so harsh and angry with my kids before church from 9:00-10:00 and I started to say “Look at how crappy I am!  Before church even!  Why do I even try!” and then I stopped and said, “You know what?  I have one more hour before we leave and I can NOT be snappy or harsh for that last hour.  I don’t have to continue.”  And you know what?  I did it.  I switched gears and just responded kindly (through gritted teeth) to everything that came my way and when I left for church, I felt victorious.  Sometimes we just NEED TO START AGAIN, even when we have no belief that it will actually work.  Action always trumps inaction.

So there you go.  There’s my list.  Don’t feel sorry for me…look at all the stuff I’m learning!  This is life and this is why are here.  I know we are here grow and change in better beings and that rarely happens through ease and bliss.  I know God knows and loves me and is helping me every step of the way.

Quick Quote

Seth observed on a rare sunny day here:

"I can tell if it's sunny by my eyelashes, even if I'm not looking at the window.

If they sparkle, I know it's sunny."

February Recap

Usually February is when I start the 14 days of Valentines, but this year I was in Texas for the beginning of the month AND had Adrianne coming to help with the house the next 5 days.  Ryan convinced me that it would be better for the kids if I DIDN’T do this particular tradition…so that the kids would know, sometimes you have to let things go and not worry about it.  They were disappointed but I tried to make up for on Valentines day, with socks, underwear, Valentines tee shirts and a special breakfast.

Ryan and I celebrated by having lunch together and him telling me I could pick anything out at the mall for my gift (I got a puffer coat).  Simple and fun.

Here are some outtakes from the living room re-do:

A hutch filled with bottles and brushes and swatches:

The best baby sitter that freed up our hands to sew and paint and shop:

What happens when 2-4 year olds are left alone with half made pillow…SNOW!:

 

Cute Emma turned 14 on February 12 and it was a busy day…she had a special breakfast (coffee cake), a lunch that flopped (because she told me the wrong time to pick her up for pizza), and a dinner at 4:30 (Cafe Rio) because she had to get to choir practice.  She got a shopping spree from her parents, gift cards from grandparents and creative gifts from her siblings…as well as the famous 10 lb chocolate cake from Costco. 

Look at the darling birthday “card” sent from the Young Women’s presidency:

 

For her birthday, we had a Valentines themed party.  They played the name game as they arrived (famous couples on their back and they asked yes/no questions), ate heart shaped pizza, decorated cookies, watched “Pizza My Heart” (mixed reviews on that one) and blew out candles on her cookie cake.

 

Gabe and Dad had a scout outdoor activity that was night skiing.  When they had an extra ticket, they grabbed Jane from school and took her along.  Emma was babysitting and so I decided to take the youngest two on a date (Faith’s snaggly hair and all).  We headed downtown for sushi (which they mostly hated), a walk around the mall and some treats for dessert.  It was a fun dynamic to just have those two all to myself.

 

Presidents Day was actually kind of fun this year.  Ryan had the day off for the first time ever and we decided to bike ride 7.5 miles to a local park, eat a yummy (though freezing picnic lunch), visit with our friends the Nebekers (back for a visit after they rudely moved away) and ride back home.  There is a hilarious story about a broken steering column, a trip to a gas station, directions to “Joe’s” house to get tools and a repair, but we’ll have to let Ryan tell that one.  When we got home, we had nachos, played games and watched movies.  Loveliest one day holiday in a long time.

Ryan’s birthday was at the end of the month and he never wants much or any fuss made, but I think he had a nice day.  We had lunch together and then I arranged to have his bike tuned up and some new gadgets added.  Dinner was grilled veggie Paninis and dessert (post Scout activity) was banana pudding with strawberries.  I love that guy, truly, more than I can express.

Other random things from the month…

Faith had a 3 day playdate with Kate while her parents were out of town and she was in heaven and I kept thinking “this is the way to take a vacation…parcel the kids out because really ONE extra kid is the easiest thing ever”.

Emma is getting so OLD!!  This picture is from her first church dance, plus we had all this high school registering stuff and meetings to go to.  Ugh.  Slipping away.  Ryan reminded me (as I cried over her birthday table pictures that we had 4 more birthday with her and then she’d be gone.  Seriously?)

We had our first 8 year old mother daughter book club and it was SO fun.  We read The Phantom Tollbooth, the 8 year olds led the discussion and we had fun treats when it was over.  So glad Heather came up with the idea!

 

It’s been an unusually sunny and warm (for here) late winter, as evidenced by random park outings in February:

Abraham Lincoln, duh:

New chunky glasses for my trendy girl:

Februray, recapped.